Hello reader! Happy 2026!

I should put in some trigger warnings – mental health, suicidal ideation, swearing

It’s been a minute, hasn’t it? I wish I could say that 2026 is off to a good start for me, but unfortunately, it hasn’t been the best.

I did manage to close off 2025 with a trip to Bangkok and Singapore and it reminded me of why I used to travel so much in my 20s – travelling gives you clarity. Immersing yourself outside of your home, or even your home state, is so freeing and gives you a hell of a lot of perspective, if you are so open to the possibility.

So, what did I learn? Well, I am turning 40 this year (cue the Botox membership) and I am starting to reconsider a lot of things, like taking a look at my life and figuring out what is working for me and what isn’t. Unfortunately, as I am a hoarder by nature, the things that logical brain has already marked as “past it’s best by date” has been overridden by sentimental soul and so I find myself once again, completely stuck.

Also, I realised a few of the pieces I wrote last year stayed in the drafts folder and were not published and they are out of context so I really look like I forgot about here or I abandoned it… I mean, you all know that I have commitment issues – this is probably highlighting exactly how bad it is.

So, because I am stuck, I have decided to highlight a couple of areas to focus on, and the rest can fall by the wayside… kind of like my approach to work – I have the urgent tasks, the next list and the forever list.

What’s on the ‘urgent’ list, or is my priority moving forward? Easy. My dog (who is the love of my life), my health (which has taken a bit of an upward and downward turn at the same time), my work, more travel and pickleball. Yes, I started playing pickleball in September 2025, and, needless to say, I love it. It reminds me so much of my youth playing tennis, but, where I hated tennis, I love pickleball. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but I think it’s the fact that I started off playing socially and have found a network of people I quite like, or maybe because it’s supposedly less physically taxing then tennis due to the smaller court dimensions, but my knees, Achilles and right piriformis have things to say. I started off playing one day a week – in typical me style, went straight to the intermediates and had to pretend I fit in (my brother gave me a 10 minute crash course on the rules in the car on the way in) and of course, the moment I got on court, blurted out to my doubles partner that I had never played before and I am sorry in advance for us losing. I have now increased to 3 days a week – twice a week at the original club and once a week with my brother’s friends who are, admittedly a higher calibre group and a lot more competitive. AND I LOVE IT. It gets me moving and has fired up parts of my brain and intellect I feel like have not been stimulated for years. It’s also fairly inexpensive for me to play, mainly because my brother has been purchasing all my paddles and the joys of social media means I have been able to access resources on game play, style and tactics without needing a coach. Where do I see this heading? I definitely won’t be the next Anna Leigh Waters or Anna Bright, but there is a Seniors pro league for the 50+ crowd that, if I can keep my body fit enough, would be interesting to join, so yes, I am starting to take it seriously, but my piriformis seems to have the last say in it so watch this space.

What’s next on my list? Work. Work has been good – I am in a position now where I am able to flex my hours up to full time equivalent or down to my base part time hours, which is 24 hours a week. As I will be travelling just after the New Year, I have been flexing up to my maximum or as close as possible – off to Japan and Singapore as an early Wedding Anniversary present for the parents and I am pretty excited by it. Work is interesting at the moment as we have just had a restructure across one major department, and my other role (the flex one) is about to undergo the same. Whilst we are yet to see the full effect of the major restructure, I can’t help but feel a sense of “stay put” rather then try to aim for something more ambitious (and pays more).

Trip wise, I’ve got the Japan / Singapore trip, and then in November, Hong Kong with other add ons I have yet to consider. I need to get back to my jet setting ways, mainly to keep me grounded, as ironic as that sounds. I have found that over the past few years, whilst I have had some really good personal growth, I have stunted other aspects of me to accommodate and I’m not getting any younger. There have been moments close to the end of last year, including a very big memory slap to my face that has made me realise that I have let myself become small and complacent in the world, and even though I started saying no to some people in order to protect my peace, I have also said yes to others to disrupt it in other ways and I have lost parts of me that I need to reclaim. I know this is kinda cryptic, but there are some people who read this blog who know me in real life and I do not want to have the 100 question conversations whilst I am trying to Kakuna myself into my next evolution. I have some really difficult decisions to make this year and my avoidance complex is trying to take centre stage.

Speaking of complexes, let us rip the Band-Aid off and talk about health. We all remember the great pericarditis episode of the Covid era and the subsequent fuck up of my life that happened during and after that? Well well well, let me bring you up to speed to where we are now. Right now, we are 20kg lighter (got back to double digits which has been a life changer, and also part of the reason why I felt comfortable going back to sport) and ignoring the cardiologist’s dragging their feet for rehab and getting active. I actually feel good physically – although if the piriformis could sort it’s shit out and leave me alone, that would be better! Mentally and emotionally? I’m a mess. A giant fucking puddle of a mess. Ignoring the fact that my GP has diagnosed me with ADHD and some elements of autism (seriously, why do people keep touching me?), the residual depression and anxiety have been superseded by the return of my PMMD, aka premenstrual dysphoric disorder. A more severe, chronic form of PMS (premenstrual syndrome) that has just blown me out of the water. Whilst I have always had it, 20-odd years of being on the Pill (Yaz, take a bow) without taking the placebo locked me into a zombie-like state where I never turned into a psycho pre period (even if I did get the flu every single month before it), made me forget how intense it was.

It’s been about 6 months since I stopped the pill completely as my headaches were out of control – I would spend more days of the month WITH a headache as opposed to not – and it was a known side effect that my docs have always been supportive in me opting out of when it was unbearable, and boy did the symptoms of PMMD hit hard this week.

What are the symptoms? According to the IAPMD (International Association for Premenstrual Disorders), PMMD is ‘a cyclical hormone-based mood disorder. It is a severe negative reaction in the brain and is triggered when ovulation occurs.’ (IAPMD, 2026)

Ready for the symptoms? Anger, irritability, depression and anxiety. But we are talking homicidal levels of anger, irritability intense enough to melt steel, depression so bad your brain tells you to end things and even gives you creative ways to do it, and anxiety that wakes you up in the middle of the night in floods of tears. According to the IAPMD (2026), 34% of sufferers have reported past suicide attempts. As you know, I work in a hospital, and today was so bad, that I spoke to a Hospital Coordinator about it and she offered to walk to me the Emergency Department for a talk with the CATT team if I needed it. I noticed she also subtly checked my bag for any pills that I could take, but since there is only Voltaren in there, she let me be. Right now? I’m too tired to even attempt anything, but I did note that part of my brain was hyper fixated on working out how many pills I would need to do some serious harm. It sort of still is, but the stomach, which is hungry, seems to be supressing it somewhat. Will I do something stupid? No, because I have amazing things to live for. But it is so fucking hard trying to quieten that voice, which ranges between sounding like Tom Hiddleston at his calm and homicidal best, to hysterical Emily Blunt a la Devil Wears Prada.

So, what am I going to do? Get on that plane, give myself some space for two weeks and come back and blow up my life. If you have seen The Dark Knight, you know the scene where the Joker (Heath Ledger) escapes the hospital dressed up as a nurse and it goes kaboom behind him? THAT.