Hello everyone,

Things have been really busy lately (in a good way) and I’ve not really had a chance to slow down and stop. Unfortunately, the one day I decided to do so, we found out that Neo’s best furriend Lewis started his journey over the rainbow bridge.

The oddity in all this is, I suppose, the level of grief I am experiencing. This is a admittedly a gorgeous dog that I have never met (he’s in Germany) and have really just interacted with his owners on social media, so why do I feel so broken about him? Is it the ‘owners link’ (they have a dog, we have a dog, sad for what they are going through) that is driving this? I adored Lewis and always looked forward to his updates and his interactions with Neo, so there was definitely affection there, but I’m wondering if some of this is also triggering my deep seated fear of death that has been the pillar of my existence and possibly responsible for at least some of my personality defects.

My godfather died when I was in primary school. I can’t remember exactly when but it would be around Grade 2 or 3 as my brother and I were still in school together. I had a sheltered upbringing and I didn’t understand what had happened. I also found out later in life he wasn’t the best person (to his wife etc.) but I adored him and I was confused about saying goodbye to him not realising it would be for the last time. I think that’s when my trauma started as I realised a a little while later that when people die, that goodbye is forever and I started to stress about my family members leaving me. I’d worry when people got home later then they should; I’d be afraid that they would go to bed and never wake up; I’d panic every time someone got sick because on TV, people get sick and they die. It would get so bad that I would cry a lot at night and I’d probably only sleep 2-3 hours which is not healthy for a growing child. This trauma kept compounding until I developed anxiety issues and eventually depression. This factored into my 20s where I struggled with everything from managing relationships (I ended up in a lot of inappropriate ones), coping with school and flubbing jobs. My fear of death and beyond increased, to the point where even til today, my mind wanders so far into the future imagining the end of the universe; how many of us will not matter in a century’s time and whether or not there is an afterlife of some sort because it seems distinctly unfair that people might only have just one shot at living and for some unlucky souls, they don’t even get a chance to live. The thought of the end of existence is something that til today, still causes me to break out in a cold sweat and trigger a mild anxiety attack.

Admittedly, I am a lot better these days with keeping my mind focused on the present and the ‘what can’ instead of the ‘what if’ mindset, but I’ve also been very fortunate not to have many grief journeys so far, but unfortunately they are inevitable and I don’t think anything can prepare you for the moment. I still have moments where I do still panic when my mind wanders, but a little bit of internal aggression gets me back to the right mindset really quickly.

Am I still afraid of the end? Absolutely. But I have been doing a little better managing the now although admittedly losing Lewis is causing a few steps backwards. A colleague of mine has suggested that it could also be that I have put myself into the owners shoes and my love for my baby boy Neo is triggering a reaction. It’s been one day since the news and I’m veering between teary eyed, broken heartedness and cake-binging. I also went a bit mad and couldn’t stop cuddling Neo last night; to the point where he was pushing me away and giving me a weird look. I don’t think grief ever gets easier for anyone. You may learn to live with it a bit better, but it still hits you in waves. For me, I know that I’ll be thinking of Lewis every time I post something from Neo’s Instagram page as I was always in the habit of replying to an interaction with Lewis’ page, and now there won’t be any more updates.

We miss you Lewis. Fly high with all the good boys and girls.

NOTE: This post took me a while to send live – I wrote it in the middle of March and now it’s practically May.