Hi Readers,

**Trigger Warning – suicidal ideation**

It’s been a busy few months for yours truly here, and it’s been fun, but tiring and some of it really should go away.

So as I may have said in the past (or not – brain fog, remember?) I have changed my work site – still based with the same company, but at the main / central location where I will be working less, but a lot busier. I started officially this week and have had to hit the ground running relearning things like locations and extensions and procedures. It’s been really fun and I feel like I am actually achieving things and kicking goals – and there may be avenues for future development provided I get through my probation.

There’s been a few things that have hit me for six lately – amongst them the closure of my local GP clinic, and my GP moving to a place up in the hills a good 45 minute – 1 hour drive away; trying to function as best as possible with a brother who takes his frustrations out on me and finding out that a old colleague of mine (as in I worked with him over 15 years ago, not aged old) died recently – in fact, his funeral is today, and I could not bring myself to watch the live stream as the magnitude of his and his families circumstances hit me like a brick. This is someone who was kicking goals in life, recently married and expecting a baby later this year and all of a sudden, his wife is now expecting a baby solo whilst grieving for the love of her life. It was so unexpected, but it really made me reconsider the fragility of life. We all don’t expect to be hit by a truck or pass away in our sleep when we are young (and I mean under 70), but if that were to happen to your nearest and dearest today, what regrets would you have? Is fighting over something menial such as who does more of the heavy lifting at work worth it? Should we spend all our time harbouring suspicions about someones mental state or physical health? Are we not just better off accepting that we won’t always be friends with everyone else and trying to preserve as much harmony between friends, family and acquaintances? Then I consider my own personal circumstances given everything that has happened over the past couple of years and wonder if I should forgive and forget and retain the relationship or just move one knowing that certain people will never change their stripes? It’s a difficult situation to be in, and certainly unpleasant but I am okay with Marie-Kondo’ing for the sake of my mental health. It’s a hard road to acceptance that it is okay to be a little ‘selfish’ and put myself first, even though there is a sense of shame to do that as an Asian female – traditionally we are raised to put everyone else and their needs first, and screw your mental health. I’m even considering the term ‘selfish’ to be incorrect – it has negative connotations and should probably be replaced with something like ‘self-focused’ or ‘self-promoting’?

I’ve admittedly struggled with mental health a lot recently – particularly over the last couple of years when health declined, as well as financial issues. Add to that now family issues and you sort of have that trifecta where you think the world is better off without you, but you have to work hard to stamp those thoughts out. Like, really hard. What keeps me going is pretty simple – my wonderful partner and my gorgeous doggo, the best mother in the world and my friends and family around the world. If I died today, there would be some very broken people and a pupper who wouldn’t understand the concept. There would be a brother who would probably make himself sick from regretting his misguided anger, a partner who would be an emotional wreck and a heartbroken mother who might not recover from it. Obviously accidents can happen, but an intentional act does have it’s very strong cases against going through with it, even if the case for it has it’s days when it is louder then usual.

It’s not something new – I’ve been contending with that voice in my head since year 11, so a good 20 years, but for some reason when the voices are getting too loud, something always intervenes and keeps me here. Divine intervention? Or fear of the unknown? Who knows. It’s not like I haven’t had a decent go at it – and no, I won’t tell you how – but I will admit that I am glad I failed – my life now isn’t perfect, but the components that matter are pretty damned awesome, and the areas that are less then awesome? I’m trying to make them awesome (finishing degree, getting a new job etc.), by learning that some things are beyond my control – including other people’s perceptions, feelings and words – and focusing on what I can do for myself. I kind of don’t have a choice in this regard, especially since the vestibular migraines are back with a vengeance and I’m back on my happy meds again – except they aren’t really working fully this time round – we are up to 12.5mg and I’m still super queasy – the other half thinks it is because I am running myself ragged between the two jobs and study, but given the fact that I don’t pay myself at the business and only generate an income through the hospital but am still expected to work as many hours as I can when I am not working at the hospital is what’s exhausting me. I just remind myself that I cannot control other people’s pettiness either.

Please don’t worry about my mental state – it’s currently suitably medicated and does not have an inclination towards doing anything drastic. I do, however, need to work on being HERE more often, and not stuck in a moment that we can’t get out of… 😀

Thanks for letting me ramble and rant.

Bx.