Hello reader!

I hope 2023 has been a lot better then the past few years for you so far.

Also, it’s the end of April. I swear I blinked in January and boom! April! What has happened?

Well, as you all know, I’m sitting pretty at the new job. It’s been really interesting and challenging and learning a lot which has been great. The team are super friendly and supportive and there’s been very few red flags which I’m really happy to report. However, the location I am at is very, very quiet, given that we are still progressively opening the rest of the services. The work is easy, and the pay is decent (I get really good shift loadings), but I guess what I didn’t take into account was the impact it would have on quite a few aspects of my life, namely that a) it would be a bigger drain on my energy levels and make my chronic fatigue a lot harder to manage and b) being away from home for longer hours means needing to have the world’s most supportive and understanding partner (which thankfully I have) and the effect it would have on my dog’s sense of structure and normality (and it’s not great). In addition to all this, my health is suffering a little (heart problems are getting worse) and I can’t seem to snap back to a basic level of functional healthy of which I can have a decent night’s sleep, feel mildly refreshed and not bloated and not gross.

So, I had to do something that I have recently learnt how to to (as in the last few years). I decided to put myself first. No, I have not resigned from my job, but just as this all came up as a point of discussion with my health team and my partner, one of my trainers at the main location resigned her role. She is still with the company, but is moving departments, and I have applied for her hours. The location she is at is a lot more dynamic and fast paced, and the mainly day shift hours will mean I can get home at a time that allows me to take Neo for a walk which will hopefully have a positive effect on his mindset, but also be better for my physically. There is one late finish in that roster (once a fortnight), but that’s on a weekend so it’s not a massive issue for me. Working these day shifts will also mean that I won’t have to run between the business and the workplace, which is a) costing me a fortune in petrol and b) contributing to my exhaustion which is in turn stressing me out and making me a lot more weepy then I usually am. I forgot what it felt like for your mental health to slowly deteriorate but I am certainly a lot more experienced in noticing the signs and trying to fix it then I used to be.

I was very clear to management that I was not dissatisfied in my current position and location, but that I needed more pace. I suppose the other issue I am having is the guilt of being paid to do nothing. I know for a lot of people, that is the dream, but the mind-numbing boredom I suffer from at times, is having an effect on my cognitive abilities, which are already under considerable fog from the CFS and long COVID-19.

Speaking of COVID-19 and all the jazz, guess who just had a cardiac MRI because their chest hurts but it doesn’t hurt like the pericarditis once did and the cardiologist does not know what is wrong with them but suspects it could be myocarditis now? Yep, me! I did not like the contrast that they injected for the scan (Gadolinium) which made me throw up twice and I am curious as to whether or not it has caused me to have more intense chesty pain the past week. All my other tests for areas of concern (kidneys, bones, boobs, etc.) have come back fairly clean so I’m starting to wonder if my sense of paranoia has intensified and I am turning into a hypochondriac? (Think Harvey Corman from Scrubs).

Whilst I ponder that, Neo did have his first birthday of which due to a shift swap that day, I was able to spend the evening with him and treated him to a (visually) delicious bacon themed cake and it was such a cute affair even my partner (who constantly reminded me not to anthropomorphize our dog) got in one the photo and happy birthday action. See here, a snooty dog who just wants to eat the bacon cake.

Hopefully on my next update I’ll have some good news to share, but for now, stay safe and happy 🙂

Bx